A TMI lunchtime story

So I am still taking my tax class and I decided to bring cookies to share, cause that's kind of my thing. It makes people like you, or at least remember your name. It's kind of a networking tool.
Anyway, yesterday I decided to get some lunch from the cafeteria. This was my first day of doing this and I explored all my options finally deciding on the turkey wrap. They made it in front of me, like at a Subway counter, and I took it, sat down and ate it while I visited with the other tax trainees.
Lunch time got over and we head back to the classroom and got started.
Not quite 10 minutes later I feel this rumble inside me.
It starts at the top of what has to be my large intestine and serpentines its way down my stomach area. I sit there for a second hoping that this is the end of it but after a moment I know where this is going and I am not sure what to do. We just had an hour long break. I can't just get up and walk out and, of course, I'm at the front of the room. How much time do I have anyway? If I walk to the back it could happen at anytime. So what do I do?

I decide to stay sitting in my seat. There is no other course of action that seems as safe. Within seconds, however, I silently relinquish the pressure and hope that this is the end. A few moments later, though, OMGosh, the stink was palpable. I literally looked down to make sure it wasn't seeping out in visual form. I swear that I could feel it... you know, like Pigpen on Charlie Brown.
Now I really don't know what to do. I can walk out but it is going to follow me and I would have to walk by almost everyone in the class. So my next best option is to stay at ground zero and just twist around in my office chair. I consider doing a full circle just to try to make it dissipate a little more but that would really be unprofessional.

It is just this terrible terrible situation but eventually the smell integrated with the rest of the air and we moved on.... until 5 more minutes and then I am at DEFCON 1.
I just left. I didn't wait for the break. I didn't care who was talking. I just walked out and headed directly to the restroom.

What did I have for lunch? A torpedo. That is what I had.

I do not have food allergies and I rarely ever deal with this which makes it funny. For those of you who have food allergies and deal with this more often, it probably isn't as funny and you might consider having a public service warning near you. I don't know what is wrong with the wrap but it should have a radioactive sign on it. Thank goodness I only ate half of it. Can you imagine if I had eaten the whole thing?

After a bit, I had to go back in. My backpack was in there and a long absence would surely be noticed. I was able to grab a cookie on my way back in, though, as I was certain that I was completely cleaned out of everything that I had eaten over the last 3 days so why not start off with a cookie? The day finally ended and I was able to get home before any more damage could be done but whatever was in that thing has messed up my digestive system. So now I have a half of a turkey wrap left. Anyone need a colon cleanse?

Taxes

I lost my car today.
I'm not usually one of "those" types of people but it could not be found.
It was also freezing. The wind chill... oh my gosh. I seriously could have died from exposure as I wandered around the student parking lot. I believe that I was in the blistering wind for 7 excruciating minutes before I found it in the staff parking lot. I was honestly beginning to wonder if this is what it feels like when your car gets stolen, where you just wander around looking for it like it is your lost cell phone. What was I thinking this morning?

I have been taking a required class so that I can do taxes for free. It's been a little boring even for me, and I love taxes. The class has a lot of retired military men in it and despite their service and retirement from the military and all of those types of stories they could tell,  they talk about the odd or complicated taxes they have done.
"Back in '94 I had a couple come in to do their taxes only to find out later that their w2 was from 1991." And of course it's a one-upping game, "Oh yeah? I had a guy walk in with a sticky note from his employer instead of a 1099 form!" And then they argue about minute details in the tax law and have all the forms memorized.
"In Pub 4012 it says that you should print all 1040's in yellow."
"Well, John,  that directly conflicts with pub 17 that says they should be green."
"Well back in '72 they hadn't even invented the color green!"

Even if you don't know anything about taxes, you can see there is a lot of pride in the room. It's like hearing war stories - only about paperwork. These old men are cute,  though, and I love that they are still serving their fellow citizens by reconciling their paychecks to the government. Although one guy keeps having his cell phone go off. Someone needs to teach him how to shut that down. "Back in '64 they hadn't even invented the internet or cell phones yet!"

In the meantime, I'm finishing up so I can go wander around the parking lot looking for my lost car. I'll be glad when this training is over. I haven't had to wake up at 6am for 5 consecutive days since last May. Whew! This "working" thing is for the birds.

Ireland Instruction manual

Many people have asked how our trip to Ireland was. I feel that it would be best presented in a the format of an instruction manual. I think you will get the gist of the trip in this manner.

RENTAL CAR
When traveling to Ireland, you will likely need to rent a car. This is a country where you will drive on the left side of the road, and have your steering wheel on the right side of the car so this is something that you will need to adjust to. If you are frugal, you will also be checking out the cheapest rental car there is, which means it has no air conditioning and it is a manual, or stick shift car. It is also called a Ford Fiesta, which will make you wonder what kind of fiesta you might have in it. An intimate one, to be sure, as it is a tiny car. You will also need a GPS or SAT/NAV system because you will be lost and could potentially not be found. This is worth the extra expense. The phones you have from the United States will work in Ireland but you will be "roaming" so it is best to just get the GPS. You will name her "mappy." Your car insurance does not transfer overseas so you will need to have some kind of insurance on the car. You will also try to "frugal" your way to paying for the least expensive insurance. The rental car agent will try to convince you to get the full insurance. You will insist on getting the lesser insurance but when he tries to put a $1600 deposit on your credit card and it gets rejected, you realize that you will need to cut your losses and just take the full insurance even if it doubles the price of the car rental.

You will finally arrive at said Ford Fiesta and be grateful you only have one suitcase. You will try to get into the car but realize that you are on the wrong side. You will walk to the opposite side of the car. You will do this "dance" every time you go to get in the car. EVERY TIME.
Once inside, you will start to wonder about the last time your husband drove a stick shift with his left hand. You will be certain that it wasn't this decade.
You realize that the GPS cannot find the place that you need to go. You don't want to use your US phone because it will cost extra money each day to use it. You decide to do the best you can with the information you have and start your trip.
You begin the three hour drive to your friend's house. You aren't on the road long before you realize that you will likely die in the Ford Fiesta. You realize that this road trip will cause more gray hairs to escape your tense brain. You comprehend that this road trip will be the culprit of much contention and fighting as you and your spouse equally hate each other's driving habits, compounded with new roads, new types of traffic, and a new cockpit in the car. Driving on the left hand side of the road is not that hard to adjust to, it is the things that you naturally do when you come to a stop light that make it confusing.  You will want to make a right handed turn but suddenly it isn't protected. You will have to sit at the stop light and really think through what is about to happen. "I am making a right hand turn; I am in the left lane; I will have to watch for cars on both sides of the street because I have to cross all lanes to get to the left lane; I will also have to remember to change the clutch back to first gear so that I don't kill the car." You will feel those gray hairs start to poke through your skull because you are stuck in the passenger seat and can't control every step in the process. You will try to suppress the words that you are thinking but you just aren't that good of a wife. You will both exhaust each other with tension by the end of the day in this tiny party car.
You will also be grateful for the full insurance that you forked out. You will consider calling the Irish Hertz car rental guy to tell him thank you for insisting that you get it, but then you remember that you can't understand him very well and that you can't use your phone anyway.

ARRIVAL
You will make it to your friend's house 5 hours later with a few miracles tacked on to the trip. You start to realize that Ireland is beautiful and green and pastoral, but it is not America. You will want to stop for lunch but you only find one McDonald's on the side of the road next to a horse that is tied to the guardrail. It will be made known to you later that you cannot just stop anywhere and grab a bite to eat. There are many areas of the country that have no services and you will want to ensure that you have enough gas and food in case you end up in one of these areas for a bit of time. In fact, if you don't realize that you are almost out of gas and it is after 10:00 pm, you could be in a pickle, as many gas stations shut down at 10:00 pm. There may have been one night where you were certain that you were going to have to sleep in your Ford Fiesta until the gas station opened at 7:00 am the next morning. This is where your prayers become more fervent and answered in the eleventh hour - literally.

THINGS TO DO
You will see many things in Ireland... sheep, green fields, more sheep. You also will see some castles, kiss the Blarney Stone (maybe), and take your kids to a pub. There will be few places to park so most of your pictures are from your car as you whiz by.

 Irish Pub. My kids were not a fan of the food.

You might notice that the road signs list the location that is farthest away from you at the top.
You will go eat dinner in a castle and visit with a "cheeky" Irish woman named Helen. She and your husband will be very chatty while you sit across the table trying to understand the English that she is speaking. This is confusing to you because you don't usually have a problem understanding accents and yet you can't comprehend when she uses words like "cutlery" instead of "silverware" in her heavy dialect. Also, everyone will want to ask you about Trump. But then they will stop you before you can say anything and give an excuse for why you don't need to answer them.

 Bunratty Castle

                                                              Dinner in the Bunratty castle.

 Jeremy's cheeky friend Helen, with her friend.

You will want to try yule log. You will like yule log and eat more of it than you need because you are on vacation in a foreign country. 

You will want to try Christmas pudding, black pudding, and white pudding. None of these are particularly good nor are they an actual pudding.

You will get to the Blarney Castle in hopes of kissing the Blarney Stone, which up until this point you thought was something like a green emerald or some type of gem. Instead you will learn that it is a piece of rock that looks like every other piece of rock used to build this castle. You will make it to the top of the castle and kiss the Blarney Stone hoping for more eloquence in your speaking but then think about the ridiculousness of this superstitious act, especially when you have to risk your life to do it. You notice that since you have done this act, your ability to speak has actually diminished and you hope and pray that it is the jet lag from too much traveling.

In order to kiss the stone, you have to bend backwards over the wall, hold on to the metal braces and reach as far as you can upside down to kiss a rock. There are actually 2 guys who sit up there all day to assist people coming to kiss the rock. In America, this would probably be a government job.

 Blarney Castle

 Blarney Castle

Downtown Cork, Ireland has cool architecture.

Intermission from this lengthy instruction manual. I have never been into a unisex bathroom before, as far as I can recall. I have been in a unisex bathroom where there is only one stall and you lock the door, but never one where you walk into the same bathroom followed by your husband, or any other man needing to use it. This was a weird experience. We don't even follow each other into the bathroom at home. When I came out of the stall and saw my husband, I thought, "What are you doing in here?"... Oh, right.

 These are the Cliffs of Insanity, from the Princess Bride. They are locally known as the Cliffs Of Moher. (Pronounced like the American word 'more')

 See, I was there.

While in Ireland you will attend a child's Christmas Program. This will be the first of its kind for you because although the kids are dressed in their Christmas sweaters, they are preforming a gymnastics routine to 80's music. There is nothing that says "Christmas" more than songs by Queen or Michael Jackson's "Beat it." 

(They did sing some Christmas songs at the end.)

 You will want to go to the Guinness factory so that you can refuse any alcohol that they offer you and everyone wonders why you are there, but it is closed for the day.

 There are many Irish Crosses around. We went on a walk around the back country roads sporting our "mandatory" neon safety vests. (That is a joke. My friend insisted that we wear them in order to go on the walk. One neighbor commented on how we couldn't be missed.)

 You should look for Fairy Doors while on walks. They are hidden in the trees. You can also order them online. http://www.theirishfairydoorcompany.com/

They are super cute.

You will also get to see glass blown at the Waterford Crystal Factory. It will be the last tour of the year. Your husband will break a piece of glass there. Luckily, it was one that was already broken.

And lastly, you will return your party car, thank it for the memories, and head to the airport. You will get a double screening at the airport when you leave a Snack Pack of butterscotch pudding in your backpack and the over-tired security agent will be thrilled that you have ventured out today. 

You will board your plane where you will have individual TV time where you can watch movies or play games for the entire 8 hours on the flight. And you will, because you paid for this. Besides, if you sleep then you might miss the food they bring you every 2 hours, which you have also paid for. This might be the only time you wish for delay in traveling. When you arrive back in America, your brain will hurt but you can head to a fast food restaurant where you can drown yourself in a large soda and hamburger the size of your face. Unfortunately, they don't take the Euro's that you forgot to spend so now you are stuck with money you can't use - at least not until you head to Rome in March.

Ireland was peaceful, beautifully green, and surprisingly warm, but I love America. 

Happy Christmas!

Emoji's

I feel like emoji's have a lot of power. They can take a statement from being rude to being passive aggressive just by adding a smilie face at the end. ie. "You have done so well for someone with your education level. :)" The person reading isn't sure whether to smile or cry. Or maybe you can use them because you just don't have words to say, like using a thumbs up. This could be because you want to be done with the conversation but are still in a friendly mood. There is power in an emoji. However, I feel like there aren't enough emojis. Here are some experiences I have had this week that need emojis that just don't seem to be available.

First off, my weight has slowly been creeping up on me. I blame my tomb (the hotel room that I live in) but it also could be our new lifestyle. Either way, I am just keeping an eye on it and getting more and more annoyed so I considered taking up smoking. Really, chain smokers are like the skinniest people; but then I thought about how antisocial that "sport" is so I decided to approach my friend who is a nutritionist. Her assignment to me (among other things)  was to pay attention to my body and ignore natural meal times. She said, "Try eating when you feel hungry."
Now I have a new "sport" which involves constantly asking myself if I am hungry yet. I think the emoji that would fit this is like a person looking at their belly in kind of a shrug pose. "You hungry yet?" I need a red and green light. Maybe even a yellow to indicate if I am really hungry. It feels like a Seinfeld episode, "You hungry yet?" "I don't know. Do you know, Elaine?"

The next thing that happened was one of "those" days. I needed multiple emojis on that day. My sister was visiting me and I wanted to take her to Hot Yoga. However, hot yoga is 30 minutes away and I had a kid to get to dance, the weather was bad, and it just didn't happen. Instead, we dropped the kid off to the friend who carpools with us and I took my sister to the mall (which is really close to the dance place. I should have just dropped them off.) We got pedis and looked at puppies and I texted my husband to ask him to start dinner because we were starving. (It was taco night. I love taco night.) We got done a earlier than I expected from pedis so we had to go wait to pick up the girls from dance. We go sit inside the dance place for 30 minutes. During that time, my husband asks basically, "where are the tomatoes and lettuce?" In fact, here is the conversation:

The emoji that would go to this conversation would be called, "incredulous." It would look like a tired and flabbergasted wife with her eyes wide open and speechless.

So since we suddenly don't have the lettuce that I was counting on, I text my neighbors to ask if they have lettuce and tomatoes. I got some tomatoes but no lettuce. I text some other neighbors. There is a lettuce famine in my neighborhood.

I resign myself to having to pick up lettuce at the ghetto Kroger on the way home and hope the roads aren't icy.

Ironically, while my sister and I sit in the dance studio wishing we could go home, my carpool mom friend is sitting outside in the parking lot waiting to pick up the same kids I am. When it finally got over, we walked outside and see her. That would be the "what are you doing here?" emoji. It would look like a game of telephone where there was no connection.

I stop at ghetto Kroger, spend $7 and head home. When I arrive, dinner is on the table and you know what else is on the table? That freaking head of lettuce that he said he threw away.

The emoji that would have prevented this situation is the "sarcastic" emoji. I don't know why that one hasn't been invented yet. It would look like a backward smilie face so you couldn't tell anyway because that takes the fun out of being sarcastic. But seriously. I could not even believe that there was that lettuce on the table. The emoji I was feeling was "exasperation". It would look something like, "I want to hit you with this plate of lettuce, you fool.  Do you know what I have been through to get you this dumb lettuce?" That is exactly what it would look like.
Even more irritating was the fact that I actually needed more lettuce for the next day's meal so I had to go to the grocery store again for another $7 worth of lettuce. (And I had been to Meijer that very morning to get milk!) In less than 24 hours, I had been to 3 different grocery stores and spent about $7 at each of them. This emoji would look "wasted" as in someone ripping up dollar bills because of the wasted time, gas, and energy from not planning well. Ugh! I hate days like that.

So let's move on to the Elf on the Shelf problems. I know that my daughter "knows" about Christmas but I am still not sure about my 10 year old son. I don't really have a problem moving the elf on the shelf even if they both "know". What I am not sure about is if I have to jump out of bed in the middle of the night to move her because the 10 year old doesn't "know". The emoji for this is called "check" (like in chess) and involves a stare down between 2 people, neither one can say what they are really thinking without giving too much away. So my sister was going to ask the 10 year old if he was excited for Santa to come but he offered this up instead, "I'm so glad that I have a summer birthday so that I can get summer presents and Santa can bring me winter presents."
Well played, kid. Well played.

But this is not good for us. First of all, we are going to Ireland for Christmas so we told the kids they would be getting no gifts. However, now I have to have Santa gifts. He is already confused because he left this note for our Elf:

It says: "We are going to ireland for christmas will you come? Answer yes or no"

For some reason my husband circled yes but then said, "Santa says I have to stay here."

The 10 year old asks me, "Well, what does that mean?"

Well buddy, it means your dad can't read.

So I guess we might be taking Rosie, our elf, to Ireland. This is the "you shouldn't lie to your children" emoji. It looks like a woman doing something she hates because she started a lie and can't stop now. I feel like it might be time to tell him but I will wait until summer. Everything seems less devastating in the summer.

The other Elf problem involves my feisty 12 year old. One day Rosie the elf did not move from the previous day's location. My daughter is very much related to my mother who is a full blooded Italian woman and has ties to the Mafia. (Seriously, you should see my Uncle Frankie.) This 12 year old corners me in the laundry room and essentially threatens me - "You need to move Rosie." 

I look at her innocently and say, "She must have liked where she was yesterday and wanted to stay there."

She gets a little more upset about it and I am thinking that I should have pulled out the "Move her yourself" emoji. But despite the fact that she "knows", she still respects the fact that she can't touch her. It is so bizarre.

She stood there staring me down and I finally said, "I'm not moving her until tomorrow." So the next day both kids woke up to find Rosie holding the TV remote and sitting on their tablets. Their faces - first laughter and then the realization hits that they can't play with them because no one can touch the elf. Pull out maniacally laughing emoji.

Now I am curious, What emojis do you need in your life?

Survival Instincts

I had an incident this week that I am not proud of. In #GeneralConference we have been encouraged to listen to the Holy Ghost. I thought I was doing that but apparently not well.

I had made dinner for a neighbor who just had a baby. I also was trying to prepare our portion of it while I took the meal to the neighbor. In a pot on my stove I had some water and a double-boiler steaming pan on top. I had placed my broccoli in it and checked the water level just before walking out the door.
The Holy Ghost said, "The water level is not high enough. You need more water."
I said, "Hmmm... but I'll only be gone for a minute. I'm sure it will be okay."
I'm certain the Holy Ghost looked at me with disappointment on His face as I confidently walked out the door with a divine meal in my hands.

My husband and I went to my neighbor's house, held her baby, told her what church we went to (using the full name); we talked about children and how we can know what to do for them through the power of the Holy Ghost, and headed back home.

I hadn't even gotten to my front door before I knew that I had sinned. The smell... oh my goodness, the smell. I sprinted inside - I think I had pot holders in my hands, I don't know where they went - and went directly to where I knew the source of my transgression was - the stove.

My pan is charred. My broccoli is black. And we were likely minutes away from a fire. My house smells like a chain-smoker lives here and I know that I only have myself to blame.

Meanwhile, my children, who have been home the entire time this was happening, are still sitting on the couch glued to their tablets. I imagine that their conversation went something like this:
"C, do you smell that?"
"Yes, K. I wonder what mom is making for dinner."
"Whatever that is, I don't want it."
"Well, I have 5 more minutes of watching someone else play Minecraft on YouTube, K. Besides, it's your turn."

And of course, they could have died!!! Where are their survival instincts? Why isn't there something internally that says, "Danger! Danger! Something must be wrong. I'll check it out."

So I called them to the kitchen. "Guys, didn't you notice anything? I could have been dead in here!"
K, the preteen with an attitude: "How could you just be dead in here? You can't die from a bad smell."
Me: "Actually, you can; but mom's sometimes die for no reason. You really should be more aware of what is going on here!"

Since they have not been born with survival instincts, we are all taking the prophet's challenge and fasting from technology for 10 days, and they have lost the privilege of being home alone. "Guys, I have a female doctor appointment, I hope you enjoy the waiting room." and "Guys, get in the car, we have a presidency meeting." "Kids, we are going to wander around Walmart and look for Tesla owners." You're welcome. K was recently complaining that I never spend time with her  -as if I hadn't given up my life and hobbies to spend all-day every-day staying here to homeschool her. Now she and I can be buddies -wherever I go, she goes! In my mind, this feels like revenge so I like it, but really I'm just suffocating myself by spending all of my time with 2 preteens.

Homeschool just got real here. Survival skills are next on the agenda.

Tesla cars don't belong at Walmart

I had a race, of sorts, with a Tesla on the main strip in Dayton, Ohio. I had a fighting chance because there is nowhere to go here. What good is a car like that in a town with many stoplights and traffic? If I was going to buy a Tesla, it would be when I lived out west. It just makes more sense.

As I was pondering this, imagine my surprise when the Mr. Tesla pulls into Walmart. WALMART! Look buddy, you can't drive a Tesla to Walmart. I think there are laws against that. You want to own a car that costs $100,000, you forfeit your right to shop at Walmart. Ridiculous.

_____________________________

You may recall a blog post about a certain Christus that I received earlier this year. See: http://christinaannmiller.blogspot.com/2018/03/cursed.html

So my husband and I decided to consign said Christus, hoping that it would go to someone else to love and cherish it and so that we don't have to look at it and recall its"history." I left it at the consignment shop for a while and went back at the end of the contract. It was still there. I was told that I had to take it home but I could bring it back in and try again later. I just sighed and packed it back in it's box. I think this thing is just stuck with me.

____________________________

You should be warned I am crabby with life in general. This whole post will likely sound whiny. At least I have a reason for it. Here is why:

We got the cutest kitty for Kaitlynn's birthday in July. Granted, this little guy has cost me a small fortune, messes with my kid's toys, and climbs my curtains (I'm not sure I like those curtains anyway). He also likes to sit on my chest, like almost right in my face. It's his favorite. 

I texted this picture to my husband to tell him that his cat needed him. Once he got older he stopped doing this, thank goodness. 

So on Monday I took him to the vet (again) to get neutered. And 2 hours later I got a call. They basically told me... that they murdered him. The vet was crying before she even got the words out so I knew that something had gone wrong. Guys, I have been so sad about this. I know it is ridiculous. I dislike most animals, but this little guy was a ball of sunshine. He played fetch like a dog, cuddled with us on the couch, acted like an annoying younger sibling to my kids and their toys, which was the funniest thing to listen to. He also had a problem with his vocal cords so he couldn't really Meow, it was just a cute little sound that he would make so he didn't annoy me... He was just the best. 

The vet isn't sure what happened. They gave him the anesthetic and then his heart stopped. They gave him CPR and all the things you do for a little kitty but in the end, he didn't make it. They told me that they let their corporate office know, they took pictures, and were investigating it the best that they could, etc. but that won't bring my kitty back. I seriously cry every day about it. 

So today they called to tell me that they had his kitty remains and I could come get them. They wanted to pay for the cremation and any other expenses for him. So I go and pick his remains up and they give me this:

They spared no expense for this. They also had cards from the staff and a little gold half-broken heart (because the other half is in the urn). Although this was more than generous of them, it makes me wonder how guilty they are. They said this has never happened in their clinic and they were all distraught about it.

So as I wipe away my tears and try to be rational, I'm thinking, what in the world am I going to do with this urn? I thought we would get his ashes and we could spread them somewhere but this thing is a little coffin that is screwed shut. 

I don't even want to keep the statue of Jesus, I can't possibly justify keeping my cat's ashes in my house.

This whole thing is a mess. WAAAH. I just want my kitty back.

________________________________

Recently we went to Niagara Falls and this time my husband insisted that we go to the Canada side to go under the waterfalls. So we walked through the border and...I don't know...7 miles we got to get under the waterfalls. While we were there, I bought my kids Canadian ice cream cones. They are cool because they are from Canada. As we are walking along, I asked my son if I could have some of his. He said that I could but that I better not drop it.

My kid might be a prophet someday. I don't know what happened guys. That was the saddest ball of ice cream I have ever seen sitting on the ground. My son saw me take this over-aggressive lick and silently watched is his foolish mother let it fall on the ground. People sitting nearby were laughing. I'm just standing there looking around at what to do as my son walked to his dad to tell him about this treachery. It was just terrible. We are studying poems in homeschool. I feel like they are a lost art. So I will end my sad stories with a poem about this incident.

The Canadian Ice Cream Cone

There once was a pink little ball

And it did bring joy to all 

T'was eaten in the mall

Why did it have to fall?

Kicked right off of her throne

The sphere used to sit on her cone.

Somehow the boy must have known

She certainly didn't get thrown.

Strawberry was her smooth flavor

The boy just wanted to savor

His mother had offered a favor

In the end, she just couldn't save her.

Summer Dayz

Weird stuff has happened, guys.
1. We sold our house and got to go to closing with the people who bought our house. Like, we were all in the same room signing papers together. Sure enough, they were millennials. The childless couple was in their mid 20's, spent more than it was worth, and they were so excited to buy a 5 bedroom 3000 sq. foot house. They were cute, though. Since I had them in the same room, I begin to subtly ask questions. Keep in mind, they wanted to close on the house 20 days after they made the offer, which meant that we had to work non-stop to get ourselves packed (because that is not enough time for the military to schedule a move), find a new place, get out, patch holes, paint, clean, etc.

Me: So when are you moving in? Tomorrow (June 2)?

Them: No, we have a townhouse that we have a lease on. So we will move in slowly because we have the lease until the end of July.

I looked at Jeremy who was maintaining his stone cold but emotionless face, thank goodness, because I knew that he was imagining strangling them.

Who pays double rent for 2 months? Millenials with too much money.

2. We moved in to our new, smaller house. I can handle smaller, believe me. My problem is that my kitchen is tiny and my dining room can't even handle having my table expanded. The largest room in my house... the master bedroom. I actually had a dream that I had a dinner party in my bedroom. It was really nice, just so you know. I have had to accept that because there is nowhere else to store anything, my abnormally large bedroom doubles as a storage room. It's romantic.

To go along with the sizing problem of this house (it is a rental, so we are making do), we have had a few other issues. Our first day I discovered that the garbage disposal maybe had a piece of glass in it; however, we couldn't find it so it just sounded like you were grinding glass when it would run. We avoided the sink for a few days while we waited for the maintenance people to come. To make sure that they would stay busy while they were here, I also called in that the dishwasher wouldn't work at all. Come to find out, there is a light switch for it. A LIGHT SWITCH! What engineer designed a light switch to control a dishwasher? The maintenance guy might have thought I was a fool, but really, the housing company just paid him to come and tell me that, so joke's on them.

And my last house issue, and my personal favorite, is that my bedroom door pretends to lock but it really doesn't. We learned this in the worst way possible. My daughter just comes barging in while we are...um...busy. I did not know what to do so I just played dead. Jeremy yelled at her to get out at least 3 times because she was not to be deterred. It was just a terrible, child-damaging, favorite memory of ours now. Later on at the store she mentioned something about it... "Mom, I thought you said that you were going in to talk to daddy."
"Yes, I do remember saying that. Look over here at these cute clothes." Luckily she has ADD so this tactic worked, as far as I know, but she has probably told all her friends about this incident because I am sure I would have done the same thing as a 12 year old know-it-all girl.
Now we put a heavy thing in front of the door to try to prevent any more mishaps.

3. Everyone at our new location home schools. Now, having just left the public school system as a substitute teacher, I do not question their reasons for doing this. However, I was not sure I wanted to drink the same water. Homeschooling is almost like going back to the baby stage where the kids are not only home with you all day but now you are responsible for teaching them more than just numbers and letters. I mentioned to a homeschooling mom that I would be willing to pay her to homeschool my kids. She thought I was joking so I just played it off as if I was.

Over the summer I have thought a lot about it and decided to try it out. Today was day one. I feel kind of bad because it is Cody's birthday. However, I just got all my workbooks that I ordered and there is only one week until public school starts. If this feels like hell, I have one week to figure that out and get them enrolled.

This is how it went:
Both kids were excited yesterday (and all summer hoping that I would agree to it) but then when they got up this morning and saw the to-do list, their hearts failed them and wailing and gnashing of teeth occurred.
Kaitlynn's new math book wouldn't lat flat because...it's new. She is in full panic/fit mode.
K: "My book won't lay down!!!"
Me: "What? I don't know what that means."
K: (she is trying to ram the left side into the table) "My book isn't flat."
Me: "It's new. We are at the beginning of the book, it will get flatter as we use it more."
K: "AHHHH. I need something to put under the cover to make it level."
Me: "Did you act like this in school?"
K: "I did in my head."
Me: "Well, can we try that here?"

K: "Why is C's math book at a higher level than mine?"
Me: "I gave you that pre-test so that I knew which level to put you at."
K: (under her breath) "I guess I should have tried harder."

C: (reading the task list) "Language arts?!? I don't want to learn a new language."
Me: "It's not a new language. It is reading and answering questions." He is trying  not to cry and holding his head in his hands.
K: (angrily looking at the language arts book) "What is this? It's like reading and social studies in one."
Me: "It is. And this is a dictionary. If we don't know what a word means then we will look it up. Let's look up 'proportion'."
C:  "I know how to use a dictionary, mom." He says as he is reading every word on the wrong page.
C: (looking at the task list) "Oh, we get recess?"
Me: "Yep. We are mowing the lawn today."

I really thought it would be me who was wanting them to go back to public school. I think they are considering it themselves.

We will see how tomorrow goes.

4. We got a kitten from a farm. I wouldn't recommend doing that. He is cute and all but when you get a pet from the pound, they already have them neutered/spayed, vaccines are done, and no fleas. When you bring in one that you found they treat it like it is a leper and charge you a fortune to get everything it needs. The one we got happens to have been sick. He can't get his vaccines until he is well so I have paid over $200 to try to get his vaccines so far and he has been "too sick" to get them. It has gotten to the point where I have considered dropping him off at the pound, letting them fix him up, and then checking back to see if he is available to adopt.
Honestly, he was too sick at first. He was so congested that he could hardly breathe. And he would sneeze green goo all over you. I'm not heartless but that is just disgusting. Remember the Nickelodeon show where you weren't sure if you were going to get slimed? That is what holding or being near this kitten was like. On your arm. In your face. On my floor. It was just gross. After 3 weeks and 2 trips to the vet, we are getting past that. The second time I took him in, though, he wasn't very sick but had some gunk in his eye so she wouldn't give him vaccines. I think it is a gimmick to get your money.* If I liked animals, I would consider being a vet. But take a tip from me, get your next pet from the pound.

*I say this slightly in jest. If you are a pet lover or a vet, no offense is intended.

These are the stories from our new chapter of life in Dayton, Ohio. Tomorrow is C's birthday party. I hate kid's birthday parties. I swear that they think that something magical will happen, like they will get a car and a drivers license for their 10th birthday. Someone will end up in tears or they didn't get what they want and I will yell at them for being ungrateful. It is just a terrible time. Wish me luck. This might be the first year we have done actual birthday parties. It should also be the last.