A TMI lunchtime story

So I am still taking my tax class and I decided to bring cookies to share, cause that's kind of my thing. It makes people like you, or at least remember your name. It's kind of a networking tool.
Anyway, yesterday I decided to get some lunch from the cafeteria. This was my first day of doing this and I explored all my options finally deciding on the turkey wrap. They made it in front of me, like at a Subway counter, and I took it, sat down and ate it while I visited with the other tax trainees.
Lunch time got over and we head back to the classroom and got started.
Not quite 10 minutes later I feel this rumble inside me.
It starts at the top of what has to be my large intestine and serpentines its way down my stomach area. I sit there for a second hoping that this is the end of it but after a moment I know where this is going and I am not sure what to do. We just had an hour long break. I can't just get up and walk out and, of course, I'm at the front of the room. How much time do I have anyway? If I walk to the back it could happen at anytime. So what do I do?

I decide to stay sitting in my seat. There is no other course of action that seems as safe. Within seconds, however, I silently relinquish the pressure and hope that this is the end. A few moments later, though, OMGosh, the stink was palpable. I literally looked down to make sure it wasn't seeping out in visual form. I swear that I could feel it... you know, like Pigpen on Charlie Brown.
Now I really don't know what to do. I can walk out but it is going to follow me and I would have to walk by almost everyone in the class. So my next best option is to stay at ground zero and just twist around in my office chair. I consider doing a full circle just to try to make it dissipate a little more but that would really be unprofessional.

It is just this terrible terrible situation but eventually the smell integrated with the rest of the air and we moved on.... until 5 more minutes and then I am at DEFCON 1.
I just left. I didn't wait for the break. I didn't care who was talking. I just walked out and headed directly to the restroom.

What did I have for lunch? A torpedo. That is what I had.

I do not have food allergies and I rarely ever deal with this which makes it funny. For those of you who have food allergies and deal with this more often, it probably isn't as funny and you might consider having a public service warning near you. I don't know what is wrong with the wrap but it should have a radioactive sign on it. Thank goodness I only ate half of it. Can you imagine if I had eaten the whole thing?

After a bit, I had to go back in. My backpack was in there and a long absence would surely be noticed. I was able to grab a cookie on my way back in, though, as I was certain that I was completely cleaned out of everything that I had eaten over the last 3 days so why not start off with a cookie? The day finally ended and I was able to get home before any more damage could be done but whatever was in that thing has messed up my digestive system. So now I have a half of a turkey wrap left. Anyone need a colon cleanse?

Taxes

I lost my car today.
I'm not usually one of "those" types of people but it could not be found.
It was also freezing. The wind chill... oh my gosh. I seriously could have died from exposure as I wandered around the student parking lot. I believe that I was in the blistering wind for 7 excruciating minutes before I found it in the staff parking lot. I was honestly beginning to wonder if this is what it feels like when your car gets stolen, where you just wander around looking for it like it is your lost cell phone. What was I thinking this morning?

I have been taking a required class so that I can do taxes for free. It's been a little boring even for me, and I love taxes. The class has a lot of retired military men in it and despite their service and retirement from the military and all of those types of stories they could tell,  they talk about the odd or complicated taxes they have done.
"Back in '94 I had a couple come in to do their taxes only to find out later that their w2 was from 1991." And of course it's a one-upping game, "Oh yeah? I had a guy walk in with a sticky note from his employer instead of a 1099 form!" And then they argue about minute details in the tax law and have all the forms memorized.
"In Pub 4012 it says that you should print all 1040's in yellow."
"Well, John,  that directly conflicts with pub 17 that says they should be green."
"Well back in '72 they hadn't even invented the color green!"

Even if you don't know anything about taxes, you can see there is a lot of pride in the room. It's like hearing war stories - only about paperwork. These old men are cute,  though, and I love that they are still serving their fellow citizens by reconciling their paychecks to the government. Although one guy keeps having his cell phone go off. Someone needs to teach him how to shut that down. "Back in '64 they hadn't even invented the internet or cell phones yet!"

In the meantime, I'm at the AP table trying to get my test done so I can go wander around the parking lot looking for my lost car. I'll be glad when this training is over. I haven't had to wake up at 6am for 5 consecutive days since last May. Whew! This "working" thing is for the birds.