Now that I have completed all the college I can handle -for now- I am bored. I have a part time job at an accounting firm but I still had lots of time on my hands and I am not good at being idle. We will be moving this summer so I didn't want to get a "real" job and I needed some flexibility so that I can get my kids to school (one kid doesn't start until 9am!) so I did the most rational thing I could think of: SUBSTITUTE TEACHING.
Substitute teaching would be equivalent to having a temp come in and run a board meeting for one day in the corporate world. It would go something like this:
"Hello everyone. I am Connie and am here to fill in for George today. His notes here say that we are working on a major legal case and we have to make some important decisions today."
Connie thinks to herself, "I wonder if my arts degree will be of some service here."
Employee who looks like a con artist, making eye contact with all co-workers and clears his throat, "Um, hello Connie, Bob usually provides us lunch each day. Do the notes state that?"
Connie, "Hmm...no, they don't." But eager to please says, "Where would you like lunch from?"
Employee who looks like slick Willie steps in and says, "Bob usually orders catered sandwiches."
Connie says "Oh, okay. I'll take care of that!"
An expensive Subway platter arrives and Connie walks in so proudly with this meal and places it on the table. Every employee looks at it with disdain. Connie's smile fades from her face and says, "What's the matter?"
Employee who has yet to smile says, "Why couldn't you have ordered from Jimmy Johns? And where are the drinks?"
I believe that the things I experience in the education world are bizarre and funny and I will share some of them with you. I get to pick which jobs I take - and in my district there are a plethora of jobs every single day (Thank goodness that I have my accounting job 2 days a week to keep me feeling like a human being instead of a circus performer). Because of my over-confidence, I have tried almost all grades and different schools in my district. We are rated between a 3 and a 5 (out of 10) on GreatSchools.com and the district is located inside the capital city of Columbus. I believe the principal said that the district consists of 75% of people who live below the poverty level. So with this in mind, I will start with yesterday and work backwards.
I substituted for Kindergarten. ( I have decided that kinders are con artists packed in the cutest little shells.) I only subbed for the afternoon so I walked into the classroom where the teacher handed me over 4 pages of notes - which seemed excessive - and said, "you need to go watch them at recess outside. Bye!" So I take my book of notes to go read them outside. Much to my surprise she has specific kids to be aware of.
Kid #1: "Watch out for Bobby. (names have all been changed to protect the guilty parties and because I can't remember them anyway.) He is a flight risk. If he gets irritated he has been known to run out the door and into the street. If you see him getting frustrated put the bookshelf in front of one door and guard the other." (What?!?)
Kid #2: "has a bladder problem. If he asks to go to the bathroom just let him." These are Kinders. They all have bladder problems. They all just recently learned about the whole bathroom thing. It is my personal policy that if any kid asks to go to the bathroom I am not going to be the one to say no. I don't even care if they lied so that they can go to the bathroom. Go child, you have my blessing.
Kid #3: "has a heart condition. If this child turns blue, call 911." (Again, what?!?) If any child turns blue I will be calling 911, the principal, my husband, a psychologist, etc.
Kid #4: "Likes to touch other children and can't keep his legs and hands to himself." This kid is going to end up in prison. Good luck, my friend.
So after reading this list I head outside to try to identify the children who are part of my class - which is impossible. I would like you all to know that I never identified any of the children on the list. Yes, as a mother this does not make me proud, but I am one person who has 3 hours to learn 25 names. And they aren't normal names or phonetically accurate spellings.
So the first kids I encounter are the cutest little girls who are apprehensive about me being their teacher. But I get down to their eye level and tell them what fun we are going to have. After this they want to hold my hands...and then go with me everywhere...and then ask me to buy sandwiches for all the kids for lunch, essentially.
Child 1: "Mrs. Miller, can we bring our chairs over to the carpet for story time?"
Me: Is this something your teacher normally does?
Devil with an angel's face: (shrugs shoulders) um, yes, she won't mind.
Me: ok, sure. (I like to reward creativity.)
This was a mistake. These kids do not know how to bring chairs over without hitting other kids with them or even just being able to sit on said chairs while they listen to a story. Note to self, this kid lies.
These 2 little girls spend the rest of the day wanting to be next to me, and sit by me, and only have me talk to them. When I could not do those things, they complained that they wanted their real teacher back. (Me too, kid. Me too.)
The other big issue came later in the day when I encountered an offensive smell in a section of the classroom. I knew it was poop. You can just tell, but I couldn't pin point which kid it was. I was sympathetic to this, however, because my own son had a poop accident in first grade.
Sidestory: After he had been at school and piano lessons and I discovered the atrocious underclothings he explained, "the teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom." I said, "well, didn't she notice that you smelled?"
He said, "yes. she sent me to the nurse."
Me (confused), "Why didn't she help you?
Son: "I didn't go there. I just walked around the halls until school was over."
And then he didn't even come straight home. He walked to piano lessons still sitting in it. (Sorry Kara).
That school uniform and underwear took a trip to the garbage can.
Anyway, by this time another teacher had come in and smelled the foulness so she tried to ask the 4 suspects which one did it but no one would confess.
Another mother somewhere in this city was sent home with a gift, just like I was.
By the end of the 3 hours, I was done. Because of this and my other 2 kinder experiences, I am not sure kinders are my forte.
I will stop there for now but have more on the way!
Substitute teaching would be equivalent to having a temp come in and run a board meeting for one day in the corporate world. It would go something like this:
"Hello everyone. I am Connie and am here to fill in for George today. His notes here say that we are working on a major legal case and we have to make some important decisions today."
Connie thinks to herself, "I wonder if my arts degree will be of some service here."
Employee who looks like a con artist, making eye contact with all co-workers and clears his throat, "Um, hello Connie, Bob usually provides us lunch each day. Do the notes state that?"
Connie, "Hmm...no, they don't." But eager to please says, "Where would you like lunch from?"
Employee who looks like slick Willie steps in and says, "Bob usually orders catered sandwiches."
Connie says "Oh, okay. I'll take care of that!"
An expensive Subway platter arrives and Connie walks in so proudly with this meal and places it on the table. Every employee looks at it with disdain. Connie's smile fades from her face and says, "What's the matter?"
Employee who has yet to smile says, "Why couldn't you have ordered from Jimmy Johns? And where are the drinks?"
I believe that the things I experience in the education world are bizarre and funny and I will share some of them with you. I get to pick which jobs I take - and in my district there are a plethora of jobs every single day (Thank goodness that I have my accounting job 2 days a week to keep me feeling like a human being instead of a circus performer). Because of my over-confidence, I have tried almost all grades and different schools in my district. We are rated between a 3 and a 5 (out of 10) on GreatSchools.com and the district is located inside the capital city of Columbus. I believe the principal said that the district consists of 75% of people who live below the poverty level. So with this in mind, I will start with yesterday and work backwards.
I substituted for Kindergarten. ( I have decided that kinders are con artists packed in the cutest little shells.) I only subbed for the afternoon so I walked into the classroom where the teacher handed me over 4 pages of notes - which seemed excessive - and said, "you need to go watch them at recess outside. Bye!" So I take my book of notes to go read them outside. Much to my surprise she has specific kids to be aware of.
Kid #1: "Watch out for Bobby. (names have all been changed to protect the guilty parties and because I can't remember them anyway.) He is a flight risk. If he gets irritated he has been known to run out the door and into the street. If you see him getting frustrated put the bookshelf in front of one door and guard the other." (What?!?)
Kid #2: "has a bladder problem. If he asks to go to the bathroom just let him." These are Kinders. They all have bladder problems. They all just recently learned about the whole bathroom thing. It is my personal policy that if any kid asks to go to the bathroom I am not going to be the one to say no. I don't even care if they lied so that they can go to the bathroom. Go child, you have my blessing.
Kid #3: "has a heart condition. If this child turns blue, call 911." (Again, what?!?) If any child turns blue I will be calling 911, the principal, my husband, a psychologist, etc.
Kid #4: "Likes to touch other children and can't keep his legs and hands to himself." This kid is going to end up in prison. Good luck, my friend.
So after reading this list I head outside to try to identify the children who are part of my class - which is impossible. I would like you all to know that I never identified any of the children on the list. Yes, as a mother this does not make me proud, but I am one person who has 3 hours to learn 25 names. And they aren't normal names or phonetically accurate spellings.
So the first kids I encounter are the cutest little girls who are apprehensive about me being their teacher. But I get down to their eye level and tell them what fun we are going to have. After this they want to hold my hands...and then go with me everywhere...and then ask me to buy sandwiches for all the kids for lunch, essentially.
Child 1: "Mrs. Miller, can we bring our chairs over to the carpet for story time?"
Me: Is this something your teacher normally does?
Devil with an angel's face: (shrugs shoulders) um, yes, she won't mind.
Me: ok, sure. (I like to reward creativity.)
This was a mistake. These kids do not know how to bring chairs over without hitting other kids with them or even just being able to sit on said chairs while they listen to a story. Note to self, this kid lies.
These 2 little girls spend the rest of the day wanting to be next to me, and sit by me, and only have me talk to them. When I could not do those things, they complained that they wanted their real teacher back. (Me too, kid. Me too.)
The other big issue came later in the day when I encountered an offensive smell in a section of the classroom. I knew it was poop. You can just tell, but I couldn't pin point which kid it was. I was sympathetic to this, however, because my own son had a poop accident in first grade.
Sidestory: After he had been at school and piano lessons and I discovered the atrocious underclothings he explained, "the teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom." I said, "well, didn't she notice that you smelled?"
He said, "yes. she sent me to the nurse."
Me (confused), "Why didn't she help you?
Son: "I didn't go there. I just walked around the halls until school was over."
And then he didn't even come straight home. He walked to piano lessons still sitting in it. (Sorry Kara).
That school uniform and underwear took a trip to the garbage can.
Anyway, by this time another teacher had come in and smelled the foulness so she tried to ask the 4 suspects which one did it but no one would confess.
Another mother somewhere in this city was sent home with a gift, just like I was.
By the end of the 3 hours, I was done. Because of this and my other 2 kinder experiences, I am not sure kinders are my forte.
I will stop there for now but have more on the way!
